Pieces of Crap

My friend recently sent me the February issue of Brides magazine for fun (thanks Emilie). Inside the 414 pages is a section called 72 Tips For A Perfect Day in which the experts give you, the bride searching for perfection, ideas to make your wedding its best. Here are some of the tips I find problematic:

1) Bring two pairs of shoes: one for the ceremony, the other to put in the reception site's freezer. When your feet start hurting, slip on the second pair to feel instantly refreshed--trust me! -Nancy Williams, Carolina Herrera

Okay, what?! Who does that? I'm sure it would literally be refreshing, but can you imagine suffering through a pair of shoes so uncomfortable that you need to stash another pair in the freezer? What kind of advice is that? Hey, how about instead of buying two pairs of shoes and remembering to take one out of the freezer(!), just get one pair that is comfortable and break them in. I don't trust you, Nancy.

2) Plan for each stage of the party to last between 60 and 90 minutes and to flow effortlessly into the next--cocktails to dinner, dinner to dancing, etc. -Peter Callahan, Callahan Catering

While this is not the worst advice, I find it problematic. I am a planner and a bit of a perfectionist, and no one likes an awkward transition, but there is a lot to be said for allowing things to flow and happen on their own. Do you want your schedule to be so rigidly planned that you're checking the clock every 90 minutes to make sure your transitions are occurring correctly? Didn't think so. It makes sense that this piece of advice is coming from a caterer since they are on a more strict time schedule, but I wouldn't go crazy with it.

3) Coordinate floral designs with the wedding's setting and season. It's jarring to see sunflowers at a winter wedding. -Monica Hirsch

This advice makes sense mostly because it is cheaper and more environmentally responsible to buy flowers in season, but just saying that it is "jarring" to see a sunflower in winter is not a good enough reason not too use what you love, or what represents you and your intended as a couple. If anyone comes to your reception and says, "This wedding is beautiful and the couple is so in love, but damn these flowers are jarring," they don't deserve to be there. What if you really wanted to have a Caribbean destination wedding, but it just wasn't in the cards? And we know that winter is the off-season when things are cheaper. I think it would be refreshing to have a tropical inspired wedding in the winter. It would be like a mini-vacation.

4) The bar is a high-traffic area, so make sure it looks beautiful. -Alex Holzer, The Jefferson Hotel

Who cares? It won't matter once people start drinking anyway and everything is a little blurry around the edges. You know what makes great bar decor? A tip jar for the hard-working people in the service industry. Next tidbit...

5) So many brides tell me they didn't sleep a wink the night before, but it's not called "beauty sleep" for nothing. Talk to your doctor about a sleep aid or learn some relaxation techniques. -Liz Banfield

This is when I dropped the magazine and ran screaming into the night. Yes doctor, please prescribe me a semi-addictive sleep aid that I do not need because I MUST BE PRETTY! Fix my life with a pill. It's not like the makeup I'm putting on later will cover those dark circles. This may be the worst thing in this article besides the freezer shoes. Has anyone gotten caught up in bad wedding advice?