Father-Daughter Dunk?

As I was thinking about ways to personalize my wedding I thought about the father-daughter dance. It just doesn't feel right for my dad and I because we don't dance together. Plus, the first dance songs tend to come off as more incestuous than sweet. You all know you've heard one. We could, of course, but I have other great memories from childhood. Like Basketball!!!

I spent many weekends with my dad at the park learning how to shoot, so what better way to honor him? See dad, I still got my skills! (Actually I don't. Andrew and I shoot hoops in the gym sometimes, and he kicks my ass evey time. The other guys make fun of me, "Trying out for the WNBA, huh?") I may not be as accurate, but I still have the correct form at least, and that's what he worked so hard to teach me. Having a dad who took the time to teach me and share something he loves with me seems to be a somewhat rare thing, and I am so thankful he did that for me. I think this would be a great option for us instead of a dance and WAY more fun. I don't know his feelings about it, and I kind of hope he doesn't read this and this post gives it away, but I think it would be so much more personal, more us. It would make the "first" about something we truly share rather than simply doing what is expected by the wedding world. Plus, the idea of swaying back and forth for 3 minutes isn't appealing AT ALL. Now, to find a venue with a basketball hoop!

Pictures from Flickr and RussellMartinPhotography.com respectively. How much do you love that bride playing b-ball with her ladies?!

Marriage Equity

We had the discussion about a week ago. The question that this article got me pondering: should we get married and take advantage of the privileges of being married while it is illegal for gay people to? I'm still not totally sure how I feel. I can see the position on both sides. Andrew reacted with more intensity than I thought. Apparently he'd been thinking about it too.
It forced us to talk about the why's we haven't discussed yet. Why do we want to get married? Why would we not get married? Okay, so, the reasons to get married included the fact that it makes so many things easier (insurance, purchasing big things like a house I would imagine), it's the next step to take in our relationship since we've decided to spend out lives together (yay!), and we want to be committed to each other. I'm leaving out the obvious crazy in love part. Reasons not to get married include the fact that our friends can't. Not everyone who loves is allowed to marry, and that is something about the state of our country that we should all be ashamed of. This presents a serious reason not to get married. We then have to ask ourselves if by getting married we are supporting an unjust system, or if it makes more sense to change it from within.
Addy Fox, who wrote the above article, has decided not to get married for the obvious ethical implications, and I think that is a really valid reason. There is always some value in protest, even if it's not something the world gets to see. Her family and friends will know that she's not getting married, they'll know why, and that's enough. I'm really grateful she acknowledges that this may feel like an empty gesture for some people, but presents her decison as her decision. it's not right for everyone, but it works for her. To be honest, for me it does feel like somewhat of an empty gesture. Here's a short play illustrating what this might look like:

ME: I think that the state of marriage equity in this country is disgusting.
GAY COMMUNITY: Okay, me too.
M: I want to do something about it.
GC: Great! Where are you going to start?
M: I'm not getting married!
GC: .......
M: You're welcome, gay community!

I'm just not sure if I would feel like I'm actually doing anything that would help somebody. To me it would seem more effective to make a donation to LAMBDA legal or something. Maybe gay people really do appreciate it when straight couples don't get married out of protest. I don't know. I don't know if this is ultimately the road we're going to go down. All I know is that it warrants serious consideration.

A theme?! It's not prom!

Some wise words from my good friend Linda.

I never really got the idea of a theme. Unless you're really doing it up, like a pirate wedding or a Disney wedding, I just never got into it. Thinking about a cohesive theme that has to flow through the whole freaking event with coordinating colors and chachkis to match and elevate gives me a headache. It really does make me think of prom, and we all know how those turn out.
A while ago I got sick of thinking about it and told people my theme was going to be "Shit That I Like." I think it's a good idea. I think just incorporating shit that you like into your wedding will automatically make it personal, meaningful, fun, and beautiful. Take this picture from the Knot. Whoever posted this was so surprised that a wedding without a color scheme could actually *gasp* work. I love it because it falls into the shit I like category, as in "I don't care if it's periwinkle or cerise, just get some color in there." I think it's inviting, fun, and not formal or stuffy at all, which I care about.
Picture from The Knot

In Praise of Being Engaged

This is a post I've been meaning to write for some time, but I've been collecting my thoughts until now. Seeing as how I've gotten a temporary reprieve from school work, here are my mojito-fueled thoughts about a long engagement, wedding planning during the engagement process, and stopping to smell the roses.
I am completely enjoying my long engagement. I am in grad school and working full time, and I can't begin to imagine how I would plan a wedding right now. I have to structure all my free time in order to get all my reading done as it is. Thinking about adding cake and food testings, DIY projects, touring venues, writing vows, etc to that makes me tired and it would suck all the joy out of the process. I am enjoying being an engaged person and everything that comes with it rather than someone planning a wedding. Most people I've seen get married in recent years follow the 8-10 month rule (as in 8-10 moths after the engagement there will be a wedding) and I'm sure this is by necessity in some cases. If I were in the throws of planning right now there would be a lot of ideas I would miss because of the time crunch, I would miss the opportunity to deliberate and think about what I really want, and worst of all I would miss being engaged! My missing sense of urgency contributes to my high level of comfort with our long engagement too. I am in no rush for any reason. I'm lucky in that respect.

I didn't think joining the world of engaged people would feel different, but it does. After a four year relationship and 3 years living together, I thought the only palpable difference would be having a ring on all the time. I don't know about you, but I felt immediately different in an excited and deliriously happy kind of way. Everything we had talked about was suddenly happening: lifetime committment, a public and legal expression of love/joining of our families, and building a life together. It's not that these things don't exist if you decide to start wedding planning right away, they totally do, I just think I would be missing out on this time with my intended to enjoy this moment in time and these wonderful feelings of anticipation, deep love, and comfort that I'm having. I have never been like this. I am always thinking 5 steps ahead, so jumping into planning would have been totally natural. I am not usually an in-the-moment kind of gal, so this is new for me...but nice.

I was finally spurred into action to write this post because of this video on Offbeat Bride. While there is definitely some good advice in there for the perpetually anxiety ridden bride, Ariel does say that this can be caused by a long engagement. I agree that having a year or more to mull over what people will think, are these linen colors right, do I have enough food, can drive you mad with worry. I think one answer to this dilemma is know thyself. If you are a worrier and can swing it, get married sooner rather than later. If you want time to think and collect information give yourself that time. That all sounds a little cut and dry, but starting from a point where you know you limits and can work around issues that will drive you crazy is probably a great place to start. Woulda, shoulda, coulda, right? I'm really determined to follow this "make a decision and stick to it" thing, which will also serve you well no matter what your personality is.
I am personally loving all this time I have to deliberate and just be. Anyone else love the long engagement?

The Trouble With Vintage

It seems that the dominant trend on the indie white girl wedding blogs, as well as the hipster scene, is vintage. Vintage is all the rage and it's a great way to save money, resources, and cut down on consumption. One of my issues with vintage is that I just don't fit the proportions. My hips and my bust are way too big for those little dresses! Plus, I'm tall. Vintage is pretty much out for me, plus I'm not crazy about the look for myself. I'm just wondering why this has become the mainstay of so many alternative wedding blogs. It seems that if you're a mid to late 20's woman getting married and you have a blog, then your aesthetic is largely vintage leaning towards the 50's look. When did the alternagirl wedding blogosphere become so homogonized? Where are the African American, Indian, Asian wedding blogs? Can someone tell me because I haven't found them. Are only white 20-something vintage-loving women blogging about getting married on their own terms? That can't be possible.
I am a reader of some of these blogs, and while I find them very inspirational as well as a forum for discussing issues surrounding marriage and why the Wedding Industrial Complex has made getting married such a crazy process, I'm longing for something a little different. If you love vintage that's great! Go for whatever makes you you, but personally I'm looking for a little more variety. There are a million resources for vintage shops, people who make vintage style clothes, etc, etc. If I wanted that I'd be set, but I wish the blog world would showcase something a little different. For me right now, it's pretty much OffbeatBride or bust. Are you out there non-vintage wedding bloggers? Wedding bloggers of color?

I saw this Ninja Bride cake on CakeWrecks.com and I thought Andrew would like it. I showed it to him and we had the following exchange:

Me: Check it out! A ninja cake!

Him: That ninja looks pretty happy. He must have just killed something.

I love him.

Things I Will Not Do at My Wedding

1) Bouquet toss - I loathe the bouquet toss. Any tradition that rounds up the single ladies like cattle and makes them fight tooth and nail for a bunch of flowers to signify that she, the lucky one, will be the next to get married makes me want to vomit. Marriage is an important and valuable step in a relationship if it feels right to you, but couples who choose not to get married and single women have relationships that are traditionally undervalued but just as valid. I didn't like being made a spectacle of as a single woman, and I refuse to negate your choices, future single female guests at my wedding. So, all the single ladies *all the single ladies* (I also think Beyonce is single-handedly reinforcing gender steroetypes with this crappy catchy song and others, but that's another tale for another time) you may attend without fear.

2) Garter toss - I also refuse to make a mock sexual display of myself and my husband as he ventures comically up my dress to pull off my garter and throw it to one of his dude friends. Gross. I have seen this done at other weddings and thought it was cute because the couple was into it, but when I think about doing it myself I again want to vomit.

I basically won't be tossing anything.

3) Have a head table - This is the traditional way to go, and may be a good organizational choice for larger or more formal weddings, but I hate the exclusivity and on displayness of the head table. The rest of the guests always look to the head table for their cues as to when they can eat, get up, etc. I want people to wander around freely, mingle, and not feel constrained by faux formality. That's not how we roll. I also really hate being stared at, and this would inevitably happen at a head table.

That's all the stuff I hate for now! There will be more later, I'm sure.

I'm not feeling white...

When I last gushed about my potential wedding dress I threw out the idea that I may not want to wear white. I like the idea of injecting a little color and OH. MY. GOD. Look at this shit. I know, right! Gold. A gold wedding dress. Not Vegas sequins gold, but somewhat antiqued, burnished, more subtle gold. This is so lovely, and definitely something I would wear. You can't dye something gold can you? The search continues.

Diamonds in the Rough

I don't want to completely dump on Brides magazine. Not every piece of advice in there was ridiculous. There were several that made me smile. Here are the winners:

1) If things don't go exactly as planned, go with the flow-if you relax, your guests will, too. -Alison Hotchkiss, Alison Events

I completely agree. You've heard that attitude is everything, lead by example, fake it till you make it (in various contexts), etc. People will take their cue from you. Smile and laugh it off, whatever it is.

2) Don't worry about what so-and-so thinks. You'll feel best if you are wearing the items that you love. -Fred Hord, MyGlassSlipper.com

I love it when the experts give you advice that basically says, Screw what even I, the expert, think. Do what makes you happy. Enough said.

3) Don't worry if "your song" is corny or syrupy-if it means a lot to you, make it your first dance. -Donna D'Cruz

Another call for authentic self-expression. I love it! If you love something corny or cheesy...embrace it. It can only serve to make your wedding more "you."

I also love, love, love that what I have deemed the good wedding advice advocates grace under pressure, and surrounding yourself and your guests with things that are meaningful to you. That's the good wedding advice round-up. I'd love to hear any good advice you've given or received.