The Rules

You can find all the how and where information for getting your Dane County marriage license here.  It took me forever to find out that I had to go to the county clerk's office website and not some state agency.  You have 30 days to use your license after it is issued, and there are a bunch of rules for all the ID you'll need to prove you're you.  Oh, and it's $115...cold hard cash.  I don't think I've ever seen that much cash at one time before, let alone held it in my hand.  I imagine it'll be like that scene in Ghost where Whoopie Goldberg hands that huge check over to the nuns...just grit your teeth and do it.

Marriage Equity

We had the discussion about a week ago. The question that this article got me pondering: should we get married and take advantage of the privileges of being married while it is illegal for gay people to? I'm still not totally sure how I feel. I can see the position on both sides. Andrew reacted with more intensity than I thought. Apparently he'd been thinking about it too.
It forced us to talk about the why's we haven't discussed yet. Why do we want to get married? Why would we not get married? Okay, so, the reasons to get married included the fact that it makes so many things easier (insurance, purchasing big things like a house I would imagine), it's the next step to take in our relationship since we've decided to spend out lives together (yay!), and we want to be committed to each other. I'm leaving out the obvious crazy in love part. Reasons not to get married include the fact that our friends can't. Not everyone who loves is allowed to marry, and that is something about the state of our country that we should all be ashamed of. This presents a serious reason not to get married. We then have to ask ourselves if by getting married we are supporting an unjust system, or if it makes more sense to change it from within.
Addy Fox, who wrote the above article, has decided not to get married for the obvious ethical implications, and I think that is a really valid reason. There is always some value in protest, even if it's not something the world gets to see. Her family and friends will know that she's not getting married, they'll know why, and that's enough. I'm really grateful she acknowledges that this may feel like an empty gesture for some people, but presents her decison as her decision. it's not right for everyone, but it works for her. To be honest, for me it does feel like somewhat of an empty gesture. Here's a short play illustrating what this might look like:

ME: I think that the state of marriage equity in this country is disgusting.
GAY COMMUNITY: Okay, me too.
M: I want to do something about it.
GC: Great! Where are you going to start?
M: I'm not getting married!
GC: .......
M: You're welcome, gay community!

I'm just not sure if I would feel like I'm actually doing anything that would help somebody. To me it would seem more effective to make a donation to LAMBDA legal or something. Maybe gay people really do appreciate it when straight couples don't get married out of protest. I don't know. I don't know if this is ultimately the road we're going to go down. All I know is that it warrants serious consideration.

Congratulations!!

I want to give a big shout-out to Giovanna from Swoon. She's getting married tomorrow and is having a wonderful time, I'm sure. Congratulations, Giovanna! Wishing you and yours all the best.

Andrew and I bought a Power Ball ticket today and were daydreaming about what we'd do if we won upwards of 200 million dollars. We talked about buying a house, paying off our student loans, making sure our families were financially secure, and taking month-long vacations. It wasn't until about an hour later that he said, "And we could get married!"
We laughed about how this was our final thought about what to do with a billion dollars, but then I thought maybe that was a bad thing.
Obviously to think of it dead last indicates that it's not as important as these other life goals and family, which means that our priorities are inthe right place. I don't think it means we don't care about getting married because we do, but not that much will change. It's not like we have to get used to living with eachother because we've been doing it for over 3 years. We already feel like we're living the way we would be if we were already married. Some days I just want to be married already and plan a party instead. Andrew talked me out of eloping a long time ago, but I still think about it.

Marriage and Gender Roles

This post via A Practical Wedding about gender role fatigue really hit home for me. I have always been concerned about getting married and suddenly being expected to "be a wife." I have heard, and still continue to hear, women say that they feel like bad wives because they do not always have the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and other domestic work entirely under control. This breaks my heart and makes me mad every time. Check this out! It's worth reading.

Hot on its heels is this post from Jezebel about 60% of married British women supposedly tricking their husbands into marrying them. I have to echo the author's sentiment: Who does that?!

The Rock, The Bling, The Merchandise

Well, here it is. This is my engagement ring, and I sometimes feel like it's a little large. The setting is taller than I'd like, and I'm sorry if I've inadvertantly scratched you with it...if I haven't already I may someday. You've been warned.

Picking out a ring was a really big deal to me, not only because of the obscene amounts of money that can be spent, but because purchasing one seemed like a signature on a contract...this is really going to happen someday! Getting married has always seemed like something other people do. I wasn't sure that it would happen to me, and I wasn't seeking it out as a life goal. I found it hard to believe that there was someone who would want to spend that much time with me and vice versa. Buying this ring entailed a deep committment, which I am not afraid of, but I was never sure I'd reach that point with another person. And here we are.

Andrew has always been way ahead of me in terms of being ready to take the next step towards marriage, so we shopped for wedding rings together as per his suggestion. I didn't know that it is a) unusual for a couple to purchase an engagement ring together and b) a complete anomaly for the girl to then hold on to said ring for a few years. These things were made abundantly clear to me as I began to tell people that we had not only looked at rings, but bought one. The first question was usually something like, "How could it still be a surprise?" To me the surprise and fun of the "engagement ask" was going to be the where and the how, not what size and shape the stone was. This decision was met with some surprise by other ladies, but I am really glad that we shopped together for several reasons. First of all, Andrew has exceptional taste, and he often picks out clothes that look better on me than what I would have chosen, so I wanted his input in the process. Mostly it was just a really fun experience that got us in the mood to think about our wedding and our future. I got to try on different ring styles with different size and shape stones, and I ended up choosing something completely different from what I initially thought I wanted.

My favorite part was that we made our first big team decision. We hashed out a budget, researched a couple jewelers, and performed some online reconnaissance before we went to Shane Co. to try them on. I do wish there was a Shane Co. in Wisconsin that you guys could go to. The staff was incredibly friendly and not pushy at all, and the prices were right in our range. There are two in Minnesota if you want to make the trip.

Anyway, this went over pretty well, but most people flipped out a little bit when I told them the ring sat in my jewelry box for two years before we got engaged. I concede, that is a bit unusual. I don't know anyone else who's done that, but it's not like I didn't peek. I would open up the little red box every couple of weeks and admire its sparkle with a huge stupid grin on my face. I sometimes wore it when I was home alone and would think about how special it would be to be an officially engaged person. Who could resist, right?

I was told I was very patient, weird, sweet, etc. for not demanding to be engaged sooner, but it never crossed my mind. I wanted to be engaged of course, but other engagements, a big move, and life got in the way. I also didn't, and still don't, feel any sense of urgency. I never once thought we'd better hurry up because he's going to change his mind, or if we don't do it right away it'll never happen. I know our relationship is solid and we are completely committed to each other, and I don't have to prove that to anybody.

There are things I would do differently now, other companies I would look into that ethically source their metals and diamonds/semi-precious stones, and I'm looking into handcrafted Madison resources for those who want completely individual rings. More on that at a later date. I have rings on the brain now!